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You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it