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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)