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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling