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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.