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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.