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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!