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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.