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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.