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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
This status is mine....I licked it.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.