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Does this status update make me look fat?
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species