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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I never finish anyth...............
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did