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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.