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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.