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Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.