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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.