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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.