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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .