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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I only have one word for women who look at me like Iām some kind of sex object ... Hi.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.