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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.