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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
The older I get the earlier it gets late.