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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!