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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.