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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.