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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.