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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Being normal is boring.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.