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You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I need new swear words.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
“I saw that.” -Karma
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!