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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.