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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.