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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
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