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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Don`t act like your not impressed.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.