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Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.