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I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”