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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.