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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.