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You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.