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I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.