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Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.