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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!