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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen