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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.