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I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.