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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I want to sleep tighter
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels