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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
?-- that guy is cute ?
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.