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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Keep calm and drink on.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.