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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?