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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
This patience thing takes forever.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.