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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.