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I put the o in illiterate!
I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.