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Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
I’m sad when my food is over.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.