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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.