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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.