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When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.