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The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.