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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.