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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....