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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.