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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.