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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.