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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace