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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.