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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.