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I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.