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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?