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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.