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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2